Few college football rivalries are as storied—or as ripe for ribbing—as Ohio State vs. Michigan. Every autumn, Buckeye and Wolverine fans alike swap barbs, tall tales, and, of course, jokes poking fun at the other side.
Whether you bleed scarlet-and-gray or maize-and-blue, there’s something undeniably entertaining about the playful back-and-forth. In this post, we’ve gathered the funniest “Xichigan Jokes,” OSU zingers, and classic one-liners—from lightbulb puns to elaborate barroom tales—to give you the ultimate rivalry laugh catalog.
So sit back, grab your favorite game-day snacks, and prepare to chuckle through the good-natured trash talk that makes this matchup one of college football’s great traditions.
1. Q & A-Style Jokes
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Q: What does the average Xichigan player get on their SAT?
A: Drool. -
Q: How many Wolverines does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One—but they get 5 credits for it. -
Q: Why doesn’t Ohio slide off into the Ohio River?
A: Because Xichigan SUCKS. -
Q: What do you tell a U of M cheerleader to pick her up after she smiles at you?
A: “Nice tooth.” -
Q: How do you keep your family safe from a Wolverine?
A: Move to any town hosting a championship game. -
Q: Did you hear U of Xichigan is bringing back artificial turf?
A: They’re tired of the players eating all the grass. -
Q: Why did they change the playing field at “The Big House” to cardboard?
A: Because Xichigan’s always looked better on paper. -
Q: How do you make Wolverine cookies?
A: Put them in a big bowl and beat them for three hours. -
Q: What do you say to a Wolverine in a three-piece suit?
A: “Will the defendant please rise?” -
Q: What do you call a football player in Xichigan who has talent?
A: An Ohio product. -
Q: What’s the difference between the Xichigan football team and Frosted Flakes?
A: Frosted Flakes know what to do in a bowl. -
Q: How do you get a Xichigan graduate to stop knocking on your door?
A: Pay for the pizza. -
Q: What do you have when you get 32 Xichigan fans together?
A: A full set of teeth. -
Q: What’s the difference between a University of Michigan fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker; the other is a fish. -
Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at U of M weddings?
A: To keep the flies off the bride. -
Q: Why don’t U of M fans let their kids play in sandboxes?
A: Because cats keep covering them up. -
Q: A U of M fan walks into a doctor’s office and removes his hat to reveal a frog on his head. The doctor asks, “How can I help you?” The frog replies…
A: “Can you help me get this wart off my butt?” -
Q: Did you hear about the U of M fan who locked his keys in his car?
A: He couldn’t get his family out. -
Q: Why do U of M fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces. -
Q: What do you call a good-looking girl on the U of M campus?
A: A visitor. -
Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the U of M library?
A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours. -
Q: Did you hear about the fire in U of M’s football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet. -
Q: Do you know why the U of M football team should change its name to the “Opossums”?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road. -
Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and a U of M fan?
A: Six more weeks of bad football. -
Q: What should you do if you find three U of M fans buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Get more cement. -
Q: What do you get when you cross a U of M fan and a pig?
A: Nothing—there are some things a pig will not do.
2. Narrative & Story Jokes
- Xichigan fan reads “12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed,” asks “How many is a Brazilian?”
- Jim Harbaugh was upset he lost his playbook—he wasn’t done coloring it yet.
- Jake on deathbed: “I’ve been a Xichigan fan all my life!” Wife Becky: “I know—let the poison work.”
- OSU catches fish; Xichigan catches none. Xichigan asks, “Are they cheating?” Other Xichigan responds – “They sure are—they’re cutting holes in the ice!”
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Teacher: “If your parents were idiots, what would that make you?” Little Jimmy: “A Michigan fan.”
3. One-Liners & Ohio State Jokes
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Q: What’s the difference between an Ohio State fan and a bag of crap?
A: The bag. -
Q: What did the OSU grad say to the Michigan grad?
A: “Welcome to McDonald’s—may I take your order?” -
Q: What happens when Ohio State chokes?
A: They GO BLUE. - Q: How do you get to Columbus from Ann Arbor?
A: “Go south until you smell it, east until you step in it.” -
“Whenever someone comes in my office wearing OSU gear, I say, ‘Oh, your an OSU fan… I’ll speak slower.’”
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“We can’t all be perfect… someone needs to root for the Buckeyes.”
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Q: What does a Buckeye fan’s girlfriend and sister have in common?
A: Parents. -
Q: What happens if a Michigan grad and OSU grad marry?
A: They make a “Smart Ass” baby.
From quick Q&A jokes to elaborate narrative setups, these quips capture the friendly—and fiercely competitive—spirit of the Buckeyes-vs-Wolverines rivalry. Whether you’re sharing them with fellow fans, breaking the ice at a tailgate, or just need a laugh, this collection has you covered.
Feel free to bookmark this post, drop your own favorite jokes in the comments, and revisit every season to keep the banter alive. After all, in Ohio State vs. Michigan football, laughter is just another way we all win.