Lawyers get a bad rap, but they also make great material for jokes. Whether you love them, fear them, or just want to poke fun at them, these jokes cover everything from courtroom antics to billing hours. Here’s a mega-list of funny lawyer jokes that will have you laughing until you need legal representation.
Quick One-Liners
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What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more. -
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
After you die, the leech stops sucking your blood. -
Why don’t sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy. -
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer miles. -
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head. -
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One’s a slimy, bottom-dwelling scavenger—the other is a fish. -
Why don’t lawyers play hide-and-seek?
Because good luck hiding when they bill you by the hour. -
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. -
Why are lawyers like sperm?
One in a million turns out to be human. -
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.
Courtroom Humor
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Judge: “Order in the court!”
Lawyer: “I’ll have a burger and fries.” -
Lawyer to witness: “Now, sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man.”
Witness: “Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.” -
Why did the lawyer break up with the judge?
Too many objections. -
Why was the courtroom so cold?
Because it was full of drafts. -
What do you get when you cross a judge with a lawyer?
A lawsuit that rules itself. -
What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue. -
Why did the lawyer bring a ladder to court?
To reach the high bar. -
What’s the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer. -
What did the lawyer say to the clock?
“I’ll bill you by the hour.” -
Why did the lawyer sleep under his desk?
To work on his lying down case.
Puns & Wordplay
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What do lawyers eat for breakfast?
Loopholes. -
Why are lawyers like sandpaper?
They irritate at first, but eventually they wear you down. -
Why did the lawyer wear a neck brace?
He didn’t want to be found in contempt. -
Why don’t lawyers go to the beach?
Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand. -
How do you greet a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
“Good morning, your honor.” -
What do you call a lawyer who doesn’t chase ambulances?
Retired. -
Why are lawyers great at baseball?
They know how to steal bases. -
What’s a lawyer’s favorite drink?
Subpoena colada. -
Why do lawyers make terrible fishermen?
They’re always arguing over the catch. -
What do you call 20 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
Longer Jokes
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A lawyer dies and goes to heaven.
St. Peter checks his file and says, “You’re only 35!”
The lawyer protests, “I was 75!”
St. Peter replies, “Well, according to your billable hours, you’re 35.” -
A lawyer and a doctor are at a party.
The doctor complains about people asking for medical advice.
The lawyer says, “I solved that—I send them a bill.”
The next day, the doctor gets a bill from the lawyer. -
A man asks a lawyer how much he charges.
“$500 for three questions,” the lawyer replies.
“Isn’t that expensive?” the man asks.
“Yes. Now, what’s your third question?” -
A lawyer’s dog steals a roast from a butcher shop. The butcher asks for payment.
The lawyer replies, “If you call that payment, I’ll sue for harassment!” -
A lawyer is asked how he sleeps at night.
“Like a baby,” he says.
“Really?”
“Yes—waking up every two hours crying.” -
Two lawyers walk into a bar.
Everyone else ducks. -
A lawyer is asked if he’d donate to a hospital.
He says, “Sure. If I get naming rights to the bill.” -
A lawyer gives his client a bill.
The client asks, “Why does it say ‘thinking about your case while shaving—$100’?”
The lawyer replies, “You’re lucky I didn’t shave twice.” -
A lawyer asks a genie for three wishes.
The genie says, “You’re a lawyer—you get one wish.”
The lawyer says, “Fine. I want unlimited wishes.”
The genie sighs, “Typical.” -
A lawyer dies and is surprised to see he’s sent to heaven.
He asks God why.
God replies, “Well, technically, you’ve never been caught.”
More Zingers
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Why do lawyers wear neckties?
To keep the foreskin from crawling up. -
Why do lawyers love soccer?
They get paid for passing the buck. -
What do you call a smiling, courteous, helpful person at a bar association convention?
The caterer. -
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a politician?
Politicians are just part-time lawyers. -
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a used car salesman?
The used car salesman knows when he’s lying. -
Why did the lawyer become a chef?
He wanted to practice stirring up trouble. -
What’s a lawyer’s favorite clothing brand?
Lawsuit. -
What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
Senator. -
Why did the lawyer join the circus?
He was great at juggling cases. -
Why did the lawyer carry a pencil to court?
In case he had to draw a conclusion. -
Why are lawyers like photocopiers?
They keep making copies of the same old arguments. -
Why was the lawyer always calm?
He had a strong case. -
What do you call a lawyer who’s always on time?
An oxymoron. -
Why do lawyers make terrible musicians?
They can only play the lawsuit. -
What’s the problem with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else thinks they’re jokes.
Final Word
Lawyers may take themselves seriously, but the rest of us know they’re comedy gold. Whether you’re in court, in class, or just killing time on the internet, these lawyer jokes are guaranteed to give you something to smile about (and maybe share with your lawyer friends—just be ready for a bill).