Welcome to the ultimate playbook of Chicago Bears humor! Whether you bleed navy and orange or you’re simply here for some gridiron-grade giggles, we’ve got you covered. From classic one-liners about Soldier Field to legendary jabs at turnovers and trophy droughts, this collection of jokes will have fans and rivals alike roaring with laughter.
So huddle up, grab your foam finger, and get ready to laugh your way through touchdowns of comedic gold.
Chicago Bears Jokes
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Q: What’s the difference between the Chicago Bears & the Taliban?
A: The Taliban has a running game! -
Q: What do the Chicago Bears and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make a stadium full of people stand up and yell “Jesus Christ.” -
Q: How do you keep a Chicago Bears player out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts. -
Q: Where do you go in Chicago in case of a tornado?
A: Soldier Field—they never get a touchdown there. -
Q: Why doesn’t Rockford have a professional football team?
A: Because then Chicago would want one. -
Q: Why was Bear’s coach upset when the Bears’ playbook was stolen?
A: Because he hadn’t finished coloring it. -
Q: What’s the difference between the Chicago Bears and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill. -
Q: What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Chicago Bears. -
Q: What do the Chicago Bears and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road. -
Q: How can you tell when the Chicago Bears are going to run the football?
A: Forte leaves the huddle with tears in his eyes. -
Q: You have two third graders—one a Bears fan, one a Packers fan. Which one is bigger?
A: The Packers fan—he’s 18 years old! -
Q: What’s the difference between Cheerios and the Chicago Bears?
A: Cheerios belong in a bowl. -
Q: Why can’t a Chicago Bear get into his own driveway?
A: Someone painted an end zone on it. -
Q: Why is the Bears’ quarterback unable to answer a telephone?
A: He can’t find the receiver. -
Q: How many Bears fans does it take to change a light bulb at Soldier Field?
A: Three—one to change it, and two to talk about how good the old one was. -
Q: What is the difference between a Bears fan and a baby?
A: A baby will stop whining after a while. -
Q: What’s the difference between Soldier Field and a porcupine?
A: The pricks are on the outside of a porcupine. -
Q: How many Chicago Bears does it take to change a tire?
A: One, unless it’s a blowout—in which case they all show up. -
Q: How do you stop a Chicago Bears fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in Green and Gold. -
Q: What is the difference between a bucket of crap and a Chicago Bears fan?
A: The bucket. -
Q: What did Jay Cutler get on his Wonderlic test?
A: Drool. -
Q: Why do the trees in Wisconsin lean to the south?
A: Because the Vikings blow and the Bears suck. -
Q: On the first day of school, the teacher (a Bears fan) asked her class to raise hands if they were Bears fans; one girl didn’t. When asked who she did support, she said “Packers,” and when asked what she’d be if her mom were an idiot and her dad a moron, she replied, “I’d be a Bears fan.”
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Q: A Chicago Bears fan was nearly killed in a horse accident—he fell off and was about to be trampled… until the manager of the Amusement park came out and unplugged it.
Keep the laughter rolling until the Bears finally roll out a winning season!