Politics can feel heavy and overwhelming, especially in times of elections or political debates. But sometimes, a good joke is just what you need to lighten the mood! Regardless of where you stand on the political spectrum, these jokes are designed to cross the aisle and give you a laugh.
From Congress to presidents and everything in between, here’s a round-up of some of the best political jokes.
Political Jokes About Congress
- The opposite of ‘pro’ is ‘con,’ so the opposite of progress is Congress.
- Q: How many congressmen does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two‚ one to change the bulb and one to change it back again.
- The secret to making Congress more efficient is to replace all the people with horses. Sure, every vote would end in ‘neighs,’ but hay, at least the housing market would be stable.
- Q: What’s the difference between death and taxes? A: Congress doesn’t meet every year to make death worse.
- Republicans and Democrats came together in Congress to allow medicinal marijuana for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. So, there is joint support for joints for joint support.
- Man: Two years ago, my brother ran for Congress. Friend: What does he do now? Man: Nothing‚ he got elected!
- A robber held up a well-dressed man, pointing his gun and yelling, ‘Give me all your money!’ The man replied, ‘Don’t you know who I am? I’m a U.S. congressman!’ The robber retorted, ‘In that case, give me all my money!’
- Q: Why can’t Congress ever be vegan? A: Because all the turkeys playing chicken in a beef over pork is pretty fishy.
- Q: What did the corrupt congressman order on Election Day? A: Stuffed ballots.
- Q: What do you call a bad lawyer? A: Senator.
Political Jokes About Politicians
- Q: Why can’t you let a politician on a plane? A: Because he will keep trying to destroy the other wing.
- A priest, a politician and a clown walk into the bar. The bartender says, ‘What is this, some kind of joke?’
- Q: How are politicians like diapers? A: They both need to be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
- Q: Why do thieves never target politicians’ homes? A: Professional courtesy.
- Q: Why isn’t the government displaying a Nativity scene this Christmas? A: They can’t find three wise men.
- Politicians can find an excuse to get out of anything‚ except office.
- I was arrested for impersonating a politician‚ but all I was doing was sitting in my office doing nothing!
- Q: What is the hardest mythical creature to find? A: The honest, caring politician who listens and whom everyone will vote for.
- A politician is a person who will lay down your life for their country.
Political Jokes About Presidents
- When a President says he stands on his record, he means that literally to keep you from checking it.
- When I was a kid, my dad always told me anyone could become president. Now that I’m an adult, I believe it and it gives me nightmares!
- Have you heard about McDonald’s new presidential value meal? You order whatever you want, and the person after you has to pay for it.
- I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting. (Ronald Reagan)
- Q: The president says to his friend, ‘My poll numbers are dropping. Do you think I should put more fire into my speeches?’ A: ‘Actually,’ she replies, ‘I think you should put more of your speeches into the fire!’
- If you’re not part of the solution, then you’re probably running for president.
- After the president’s annual physical, his doctor delivered the news: ‘Mr. President, the good news is that you have two sides of your brain. The bad news is that on the left side, there isn’t anything right, and on the right side, there isn’t anything left.’
- If Chuck Norris were president, he’d protect the Secret Service.
- Stop repeat criminals‚ don’t reelect them!
- Q: What’s the most unfair thing about American politics? A: We get 50 choices for Miss America, but only two for the president of America.
Political Jokes About Election Day
- Waiting for results on election night is like waiting for your grade on a group project. I know I did my part right, but I’m worried the rest of you screwed it up.
- Q: What is the difference between Thanksgiving Day and Election Day? A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for a day, but on Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.
- Remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year? Now it’s Election night that is the most terrifying.
- Q: On Election Day, what did Delaware? A: Her New Jersey.
- You know how they say ‘nobody can fix the economy, nobody can be trusted with nuclear codes, nobody’s perfect’? That’s why I’m voting for Nobody.
- Did you hear Starbucks is offering a specialty drink just for Election Day? It’s called the ‘fullacrapuccino.’
- The only accurate statistic on Election Day: 100% of Americans think 50% of Americans have lost their dang minds.
- As a Russian citizen, I am confused about why it takes America so long to get a definitive result from their election‚ we know our results months in advance!
Political One-Liners
- Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. (Ronald Reagan)
- The National Security Administration is the only government office that actually listens to you.
- We don’t approve of political jokes‚ we’ve seen too many get elected.
- Fines are a tax you pay for doing something wrong. Taxes are a fine you pay for doing something right.
- Communism was doomed from the beginning. Did they miss all the red flags?
- Yo mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
- The word politics comes from poly, meaning many, and ticks, meaning bloodsucking parasites.
- Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat. Why? The government hates competition.
- I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. (Charles de Gaulle)
So, there you have it! Political humor might be controversial at times, but it’s a great way to find some common ground and laugh through the challenges. If you enjoyed these jokes, don’t forget to share them with your friends—or better yet, with someone from the other side of the aisle!